Ink From a Pen
by childliketendencies
Summary: A journey in writing takes us through the events in Finn's life: Given to him by his mom in an attempt to help him through Babygate, Finn learns to pour out his innermost thoughts and sometimes also his most bottled-up feelings to a little black book
1. The Journal

_**Disclaimer:**__ The characters are all property of Ryan Murphy's show "Glee" on FOX. I just wish they were mine and add little bits._

_A/N: __This is the introduction to a kind of an experiment (see below). It takes us back a bit to the events of Sectionals, but will cover many other things. The chapters are all in Finn's point of view and (except for this introduction and maybe a thing or two) are merely his __**thoughts**__ and __**feelings**__ about various events we're already familiar with – or not, _from the events of Sectionals onwards_. Obviously, it's going to be a multi-chapter story. So enjoy!_

. . . .

"There," his mom said, and pushed a small black book across the table at him.

He eyed her quizzically from eyes that were still swollen and bloodshot. "What's that?"

"It's a journal, sweetheart," was her soft reply.

He looked at it blankly.

"When I was your age whenever I found I had a problem that I couldn't talk about to anyone, I wrote it in my journal instead. It didn't make the problem go away but it helped to get it out of my head every once in a while."

His eyes went from the book to his mom's face. A frown was beginning to form on his brow as he considered her intentions. "You want me to read it?" he finally asked, and squirmed in his seat. What was in it that she thought might be useful to him now? Yeah, she was his mom and he'd do anything for her, but he wasn't really comfortable reading stuff like that. It was hard enough to imagine her having been his age once upon a time.

The smile on Carole Hudson's face dimmed; Finn suddenly knew what she was going to say before she even said it. Her eyes were full of warmth, of love for him – but he could see something like pity in them, too, and all at once his throat felt constricted and he was fighting back the tears again.

"No, Finn, this is for you," she said, and looked down at the black book, and he could hear the sadness behind her words. "I know it's not something kids do these days, and maybe it's old-fashioned, or uncool, or maybe boys don't do that sort of thing – I don't think your father did - but –" she broke off, and he realized she was fighting back tears as well.

For a moment it went very quiet in the kitchen, nothing but the monotonously ticking clock over the door filling the silence. His eyes filled with the tears he'd been fighting, and he wished he could stop it. Stop everything – this damned hurt, the humiliation, the pain he felt, still so damn acute and fresh as if it had just happened, as if Quinn and.. and… Puck were still right there in front of him, admitting to the truth that he'd hoped had been a mistake. His mom's face blurred before his eyes along with everything else; he didn't know if he could take any more of this. But just as he was about to get up from this chair and seek the darkness and solitude of his own bedroom his mom's hands reached across the table and covered his.

"Sweetheart, it's going to be okay," she said in that soothing voice, repeating the mantra that had always calmed him down as a child. But it only made him that much more conscious of the fact that his childhood was now truly over. "It breaks my heart to see you suffer like this. I'd do anything to make it all go away for you, but I can't. All I can do is to be here and listen to you when you need someone to listen, and support you in every way I can."

She squeezed his hands, and waited for a reaction. He didn't know what to say to tell her that he knew all this. It felt like she already knew this. He pulled his right hand out of her grasp and ran his sleeve across his eyes, wiping away the tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes.

"But I'm your mom, Finn, and I know some things are awkward to tell to moms," she continued, and he could hear the gravity in her voice lift slightly. He knew that if he looked up he'd see a smile on her lips. So he tried to make an effort, for her, even if it felt like his face was a perpetually frozen mask. "It's times like these I wish more than anything your father was still alive. But he isn't, so… I thought this might help you. Write it all down. Get it all out. No one needs to see it, you can just let go of everything, no matter how horrible."

He stared at the black book once more, and chewed the inside of his lip. He'd never been much for writing things down.

She knew him too well. "This isn't an assignment, Finn. I just want you to have some way to get through this. Try it out – if you don't feel it helps at all, then that's okay. Just promise me you'll try, sweetheart."

He nodded, his head feeling as heavy as his heart. "Okay," he said, barely able to choke out the word.

He had no opinion about it either way, really. It might have been a stupid idea, or not. He just felt numb right now – it was as if her words had calmed him to the point where all he felt was the need for sleep. So he picked up the black book lying before him, and got off the chair, walked with leaden steps to the stairs.

"Finn?" his mother's voice called after him when he'd just got to the first step. He turned his head a little. "I love you."

He nodded, and walked on up.

. . .

_A/N__ #2: _

_This is an experiment in such: I'm going to give the choice of topics to you readers. I might every now and then throw in one that I want to do because I liked a particular scene, but I'm going to leave it up to everyone else to suggest the other topics. This could be anything from the Glee episodes to completely random and mundane events (as long as they realistically fit in). I might not always manage to accommodate everyone's wishes, but I'll try. __You can submit your choices by posting them as a review or sending me a message to __.com__ . _

_As such I've got to add that the first few entries are going to be my choice. They're also going to be short, since Finn is going to have a few doubts about doing this. They're not necessarily going to deal with any particular events past Sectionals yet. _

_Feel free to give me as many suggestions as you like – all I'm asking is that they fit in, and aren't too outlandish. So hit the review button and send in those opinions/suggestions!_


	2. Entries 1 to 4

_A/N: As it's going to take Finn a while to get use to the idea and find a way to express himself, the first few entries don't have a date or any kind of title so right now I'll separate them the way you find it below. He'll take to it soon enough - not exactly like a fish to water, but you'll see._

_**Word of warning**__: I'm also fairly new to writing diary entries out of a guy's POV – and getting a grip on Finn's style is going to be a challenge, too – but I'll try. I do figure it'll take him a bit to actually like the idea and then some more to actually let all his thoughts and feelings out to it. So you'll see a bit of a change I that as it progresses. Just bear with me (and keep in mind that the italics in brackets are the descriptions of each entry in the beginning)._

. . . .

[First entry]

_(written in huge letters across the entire page, with a long row of exclamation marks done in pencil – after the break in between it goes on in ink, however, as obviously his pencil broke)_

!THIS SUCKS! !

. . . .

[Second entry]

_(slightly smaller letters than the last, on the next page)_

HALO3 TOTALLY SUCKS

. . . .

[Third Entry]

_(Next page, bigger letters again__, written diagonally across the page)_

THIS IS A STUPID IDEA

. . . .

[Fourth Entry]

_(next page, scrawled across half the page, blurry in some parts where water dropped onto the page and the ink ran)_

fuck

. . . .

(bottom of the page, small writing)

why?

. . . .


	3. Entries 5 to 8

_A/N: The last few entries were easy. I apologise for their shortness – but what can I say? Finn's struggling with this. It'll all get better soon, I promise. (I also apologise for the lack of exclamation marks within the text. I'd forgotten that this site does weird things with the formatting. I'll try to remember that from now on.)_

_By now I guess it's easy to see why this has an M rating. Finny D likes his swearwords!_

_I guess I should have mentioned this before, but __it's one page per entry in his journal – and any spelling mistakes of his have been corrected by yours truly :-p On we go!_

. . . .

[Fifth Entry]

_(two fully written lines at the top of the page, heavily crossed out and totally illegible__ {for formatting's sake I've put down x's instead of the crossed out ones})_

. . . .

_(one and a half line of the same, but not quite as heavily crossed out – legible __bits reprinted here {for formatting's sake I've put down x's instead of the crossed out ones})_

hox coxxd xxe dx xxxxxto me? sxx xuckixx xxd mx BXST frixxd thxx fucxxxg LIEX tx xx txxs exxirx timx

. . . .

_(scrawled across the entire width of the page)_

I HATE THEM

. . . .

_(written underneath, __barely legible because of the ink being smeared and the page having suffered some blotchy water damage)_

. . .

[Sixth Entry]

_(on the left margin of the page is the following list in small writing__, the last bit struck out and commented on with an all-caps NO)_

laundry

toilet paper! ! !

ass. f spanish

call Rachel

. . . .

_(__written on the first line, with an arrow pointing at Rachel's name in the list)_

I don't hate her

. . . .

_(the rest of the page is covered in what appears to be maths homework - lots of it is crossed out)_

. . . .

[Seventh Entry]

_(more maths homework)_

. . . .

[Eight Entry]

_(three quarters of the page are covered in crossed out equations, underneath which the following is scrawled in slightly diagonal writing)_

DRIZZLE = STUPID NAME

FINN = STUPID + LOSER


	4. Entries 9 to 12

_A/N: Finn's__ still struggling with this. (As am I.) But you'll see he's found a new way to handle the journal._

_The Finnster REALLY__ likes his swearwords! Sorry for the abundance of the F-word in this one, he'll behave better in the future. _

_Enjoy__!_

. . . .

[Ninth Entry]

_(a line with_ Dear Dad, _crossed out almost to the point of being unreadable, then several attempts of the same underneath, twice with the beginning of another sentence heavily crossed out, then halfway down the page:)_

Hi dad,

. . . .

_(another crossed out line of totally illegible text )_

. . . .

_(three lines further down)_

Hi dad,

mom said I could write it like I'm talking to you. This is probably the most fucked up idea, like EVER. I think you'd probably have told her she's crazy for talking me into this, this is so not cool for a guy.

. . . .

wtf am I writing this down? ? ? W T F!

. . . .

_(rest of the page is covered in differently sized "WTF?"s__)_

. . . .

[Tenth Entry]

_(looks like a continuation from the previous one, since it doesn't have any proper beginning and starts right on the margin at the very top of the page)_

okay so why does shit like this have to happen to me, can you tell me that? ? no cuz you're a fucking BOOK! ! ! I would've given anything, fuck, I DID everything for her and she was a total FUCKING BITCH and a LIAR just like this ASSHOLE who called himself my friend! ! ! she gave me all this CRAP about how I need to help her pay for shit and I felt like a total loser for not being able to do anything! ! ! I hope they're fucking happy now cuz they totally deserve each other! Why would she lie to me like that? ? ? yeah right, idiot, you're so fucking smart you totally believed her lies. STUPID! She lied cuz she knew I was the one guy stupid enough to believe her. And all this shit about the baby, how fucking awful and terrible and hard it is for her and I shouldn't complain well FUCK SHE LIED! ! ! she fucking lied, and made me care anyw

FUCK

. . . .

_(three quarters of the page down there is water damage, the C and K of the last word blurred by it. The last three bottom lines have been ripped out of the book)_

. . . .

[Eleventh Entry]

_(written in neater handwriting than before, starting on the first line)_

Books are not to be thrown at walls.

Books are not to be thrown at walls.

Books are not to be thrown at walls.

Books are not to be thrown at walls.

Books are not to be

Yeah cuz who would've thought a book this size would make a hole in a wall?

That dude on the horse totally looks better without his head on

Shit that sounded so much cooler in my head

. . . .

_(several lines below this, in big letters across the entire page)_

WHY AM I EVEN WRITING THIS DOWN?

. . . .

[Twelfth Entry]

_(The words "Hi dad" are written and crossed out several times on the first line, but the remainder of the text is written in an almost indecipherable scrawl directly below it)_

SECTIONALS is today. I'm NOT going. I can't stand thinking about it. I don't want to see her or him or anyone else, I'd just get really really REALLY angry and do something even more stupid than believing in stupid lies

Shit I can't believe I'm actually writing all this down. I suck.


	5. It's all about Joy

_A/N: Finn's__ found his inner writer. It might still be a bit crude, but let him get acclimatised. He'll eventually get around to actually describing events properly. I might get him to take a class in that or something… _

_But this one's a milestone chapter. For one, because it's an Entry by itself, with an actual chapter title (I'll just name them according to what I think would be appropriate – he isn't so fancy). Secondly, it marks the point where he gave up fighting against sitting down and pouring his heart out to an inanimate object. And thirdly – and most importantly – this is the last chapter that I wanted to get done before the challenge begins. Now it's your turn. _

_It can actually be pretty outlandish. Don't refrain from making crazy suggestions – as long as they have Finn in them, there's always some way to make up a dream or a daydream. But still, it'd be nice to have some proper Finchel moments and other drama mixed in, so please go ahead and review/suggest!_

_But for now, enjoy Finn's take on Sectionals!_

. . . .

WE WON! We so totally won! I think I almost got a heart-attack when they announced it but we WON! They totally tried to screw with us, someone'd leaked our songs but Rachel did this awesome song that totally took my breath away, Kurt had to punch me hard – twice!- so I remembered we were to go out and sing. I don't know how someone that tiny can belt out a song like that but it just made me feel so much better looking at her sing. It was like she was glowing or something, and not just because she looked totally smokin' in that dress. There was something in her face when I walked down that aisle to her that just shone right out of her, like pure joy and it really hit me in there, oh wait you can't see, the heart you know, that all I needed to get through this was to concentrate on her.

So we totally nailed the other songs, even the one I picked out that we had to do on short notice. I told them when they all looked kinda sick about it, that we're best when we're choppy, and that's totally true. It's like the joy on Rachel's face, I think we won cos we ENJOYED doing what we did, we just did what we could because that's what we can do, not because we need to win. Okay, yeah we had to win or Glee club would be axed, but we get together and sing and it doesn't matter what else is happening. I totally forgot about everything else when I was up there singing, and I think that's what it's about.

I'm so excited I forgot to say hello, so hi dad, you know it's like that time we took those vitamins Mr Schue's psycho fake-pregnant wife gave us to compete against the girls, just, you know. Without the vitamins. And I was so ready to bail at first! But I guess I'm a better person than I thought I was, or Mr Schue is just really good at making me see that I can't just sit by and watch something go wrong if there's something I can do about it. I need to bring his car back tomorrow in the morning, I hope he doesn't need it before noon.

I just couldn't stand hanging around the house any more, you know? That's why I ended up at sectionals anyway. SHE came by this morning to pick up the rest of her stuff. fuck knows where she's staying now, I couldn't care less. Mom let her in while I was in the shower so I didn't see her but just knowing she was here – it's like the room is full of poisoned air. There's a really good word for it that Rachel used for her but I can't think of that now. Mom told me she was there and I just had to leave the house. So I went to school and cleaned out my football locker. No idea how some of this stuff got in there, I didn't even remember I owned red underwear with Santa's huge ass face all over it. No idea how it got in there. I'm really glad I was there on a Saturday because Karofsky and Azemio don't get up before noon on Saturdays and I would have killed them if they'd come in and given me shit about that. I seriously would. I always feel like I could punch someone's face in now. Like that bastard who called himself my best friend. The mother-fucking asshole. Oh wait he literally is one.

Oh wait, TOXIC. That was the word Rachel used for the air in the room.

You know yesterday I was so full of hate, it made me so angry I have no idea how I didn't go over to his house and bash his head in. What Mr Schue said about not always getting what we want kinda stayed with me, tho. I mean the guy is going through so much shit himself at the moment but I could see it really killed him that he couldn't be there for Glee club. When he said that to me it made me realise that I had to do it for him cos at least I could while he was stuck there.

Trashing the Cheerios copier was a fucking awesome thing to do. I just imagined it being Puck and went all karate-kid on it. My left foot is a bit sore but it was totally worth it. Rachel said it was probably a bad idea, even if she said it in a lot more words, and she's probably right about it but she wouldn't get it. Oh she wants to see me tomorrow so I'm going to meet her at school which is a bit weird cos it's Sunday and I don't think it's open on Sundays but maybe she got keys for it? I dunno, it's Rachel, she's probably more at school than home.

I'm gonna sleep now.

. . . .

_A/N #2: My approach to these early Finn entries is that he writes like he talks. If it's choppy and all over the place –I just wrote down fragments, and then I connected (some of) those. I didn't want to make his first proper entry a flowing text, it's more like random bits and pieces that still somehow tell a story but hop back and forth when he remembers them. I don't think Finn's the type to have done much writing before this, so I figured he'd write like he talks – word vomit. I want him to make a progression where he actually sits down and consciously starts thinking about some of the things he says, and possibly going back, re-reading them and then correcting himself. I think I always saw something atypical in him, and that was his ability to accept his mistakes and LEARN from them. I mean he really learns from them, he doesn't make the same mistakes twice. Which means he's got to think about them. And we get a lot of that after Sectionals, so hence I came up with the idea of using the journal to help him reflect on his life._


	6. Smile even though you're aching

_A/N: _

_It's coming up to the end of the school term and I've got a ton of report cards and other things to finish before that, as well as 3 weeks' worth of history classes to prepare for, so updates might be a little infrequent from now on until August. _

_No suggestions yet, so I went ahead and wrote up the next event as it should've happened.__ Thanks to my Circles for coming up with a certain mental image during one of our epic picspams. I just couldn't resist putting that in there. Enjoy!_

. . . .

Hi dad,

Wow I sure wrote a lot yesterday. I guess it's not so bad if there's something to talk about. It felt kinda nice to be able to say so when mom asked if I'd written anything yet. Maybe I should show her all the pages, then she mightn't be so grumpy anymore.

Oh man that was totally crazy, Rachel called at like 8:30 this morning and totally woke up mom who woke me up and I knew from that look on her face that she was really really mad. I mean it's her first day off in a week and yeah. Whenever mom gets that look on her face, you know the one, wow this is really weird being able to say that knowing you'd actually know what I mean, I wonder what she was like when you knew her. Or maybe she didn't ever look at you like that, maybe she didn't have to be angry at you for anything. Maybe she only gave you her sad face, although you weren't dead then so she probably would have only smiled at you the entire time because she said you were so in love with each other. I love it when she smiles, she looks so happy, it's like sunshine breaking out of her eyes. I wonder if that's what you fell in love with first, because that's like something couples that have been married for really long always say, that they fell in love with each other's smile.

So yeah, Rachel only wanted to tell me not to tell Mr Schue about winning. I'm pretty sure Miss Pillsbury already told him but Rachel wants to surprise him. Sometimes she really is

. . . .

fuck yeah that girl is crazy. I can't believe I just spent half of my Sunday in school practising for tomorrow. She got everyone to come in today and I guess we all went along with it because, yeah, it's for Mr Schue so it's kinda special. Honestly I can't wait to see his face.

The dancing's actually really awesome. It wasn't really difficult and I was already wondering why I'd find it easy when Rachel said it was a mix of all the dance routines we did in our songs. It was still pretty difficult, anyway. The freakiest bit is the one from when we did the mash-up song because I don't even really remember what kind of dance moves we had in that and Rachel made us run all over the place.

I broke a microphone. Going to have to ask mom for money to pay it back, I know Mr Schue is not going to be happy because we have almost no funding and since it was really my fault. It was stupid really, I wasn't doing something the way Rach wanted me to when we were doing our mash-up moves, like I was supposed to grip the mic really hard but also play with it. So then Brittany says I should just imagine stroking my dick cos that was totally what it looked like. Unbelievable, right? I swear the microphone just slipped out of my hand, I was so shocked. Everyone else was really uncomfortable, too.

I guess we're all still on a sort of high from yesterday. No one got into any fights, no one gave Rach shit about picking a song or arranging it. I didn't punch Puck's face in. Not that I didn't want to, I guess all this dancing kept me pretty busy. It's easier if I can just act like they're someone else, someone I don't know. These other people who just happen to be in the same room with me.

I did kinda rush out as soon as Rach said we were done. She didn't say it like that, she gave us a full 15 minute speech about fully realising how we needed to up our game a lot to beat Vocal Adrenaline and ended it by saying but she wasn't going to be so hard on us today cos it was only for fun. If that was her idea of fun I'm really scared.

But yeah, I got away as soon as I could. Rachel was a bit mad at me, I think she wanted to talk to me alone but it's weird, I don't want to really talk to anyone about anything just now. It's really awkward to talk, because there's like this big giant issue in the room now and everyone's trying to ignore it. But it's not like I don't know they're watching me. They're still waiting for some more reaction. Maybe I am too.

I'm pretty beat now, though. Think I'm gonna hit the sack.

Oh yeah, talking about smiles, there's a funny thing I noticed today. I never noticed it before but there's this thing Rachel is doing, that I haven't seen her do except when she's with me. It's like she's got some private smile that only comes out when she truly is herself. She smiled at me when she took my hand at the start of practise, and I swear it gave me goosebumps forever afterwards.


	7. A Kiss is just a Kiss

_A/N: _

_Our dear boy is having trouble dealing with everything but winning Sectionals has him on a strange kind of high. __The anger's still there, somewhere, just like the hurt, but he's pushed it aside for now. _

_I'm j__ust progressing with the story as the timeline goes. This (and whatever follows) is essentially my take on the events that led to Finchel getting together and breaking up again. _

_Enjoy!_

. . . .

I kissed Rachel! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Okay so she kissed me first. But then OH I dunno how to explain it, it was just that for this one moment it felt right and good and everything else just didn't matter, and I had this weird fuzzy feeling in my stomach like the sandwich I had for lunch was trying to tickle me in there. It felt REALLY TOTALLY awesome. And I didn't want it to stop so when she pulled away from me I just pulled her right back and kissed her!

It felt really kinda weird. I mean I kissed her before, that one time in the auditorium, and all I remember from that is how nervous I was. I mean that was totally fucked up then, I don't know what I was thinking was going to happen, but she'd said this stuff about girls wanting sex just as much as guys. Am I a bad person for wanting to see if she'd let me get that far? Cos I guess that's what I intended, back then. I mean, it's not like she wasn't all over me. I dunno what could've happened if I hadn't almost jizzed myself. Yeah talk about embarrassing! ! !

Funny really, she kissed me again that time we went bowling but that still didn't feel anything like this time. Shit, I still feel bad about that, I mean, that was so wrong on so many levels and I just felt awful and guilty and

FUCK

Why the F am I rambling on about feeling bad about the times we kissed? ? ? It's not like there's not enough shit in my life right now, I don't need to make myself feel down about this one too.

Yeah so I damn well kissed her! It made me feel good! It made me feel DAMN WELL great! ! ! ! I wanted it to go on forever! Is that so fucking wrong to want to feel good about something? ! ? I DAMN WELL want her to smile like that at me all the time, too, if that's what it's going to take to keep me feeling less like shit just now! She has this thing she does, running her hand through the hair at the back of my head while she's kissing me and it's like totally adorable

Wow, I totally didn't remember that until now! It's like I can still feel the touch of her fingers back there! That's kinda crazy!

It's funny how it all started, too. We were all in the choir room waiting for Mr Schue to show up. I was at the drums cos then I wouldn't need to sit with the others, ESPECIALLY them, and Rach came over to talk to me. She started asking me all these things about drums, what was what and all, and it was all a bit weird. But then I realised she was only trying to distract me which was really kinda nice, and it did work, too. But then she turned kinda shy, which was totally not like her, and she was going to say something but then Mr Schue walked in and she just grabbed my hand and pulled me along and we did the number and it was all good. He totally had tears in his eyes at the end.

I know it's kinda cheesy but I really think we'd all be so much worse off without Mr Schue around. Not just Glee club, I mean all of us.

So yeah there was this moment right in the end of rehearsal when Rach just took my hand, and then she wouldn't let it go. I looked at her and she gave me that smile again, and then asked if I'd stay around for a moment, she had something she wanted to talk to me about. So I went back to the drums and stayed there until everyone had left. I was sorta thinking she had another song she wanted us to do, but I guess a part of me was also wondering if she wanted something else.

That's what's strange about Rach and me. Sometimes I can tell her anything, even the most idiotic things, and other times being around her just makes me feel like I've got a knot in my tongue. I dunno what it is. Maybe it's because I know she likes me, and she kinda sticks out for me. She was all over me for a while, and that was a bit uncomfortable, but lately that's sorta changed, we're like real friends now. I think I could even talk to her about all the shit happening now. That's pretty much what she said I could do, that if I wanted someone to talk to she was always going to be there.

It was so nice of her. I didn't really know what to say, I just felt glad that she was there, I think I just smiled back. And then she smiled, too, and then it was REALLY strange cos suddenly I was getting that weird fluttery feeling in my stomach and then she kissed me and damn it was just so NICE and I didn't ever want her to stop and then I thought she was afraid I'd not want it so I just kissed her back and it was really amazing

I dunno what I did after that. I'm still kinda dazed. I mean yeah I came home, obviously, but I don't even remember walking home. Or taking the bus. I'm kinda hanging on to the memory of that kiss now. It really really felt good. I so don't want to feel bad about shit all this time so I'm gonna hang on to this for now. I dunno what's going to happen tomorrow, although I'm kinda afraid I might've hurt Rachel again kissing her, but I just don't want to think of anything bad now. No, I refuse to think of anything now that starts with a q and ends with an n and has a black hole in the middle.

Going to bed now.

. . . .

_A/N: Don't hate Finn for leading on Rachel, he didn't intend it, and seriously couldn't help himself. And anyway, it's all Rachel's fault for throwing herself at him at such a vulnerable time as this… :p_


	8. Drizzle

_A/N: The strange __post-Sectionals bubble Finn was in couldn't last forever – and in this case, it only lasted two days. The night following the kiss he gave Rachel, Finn had a horrible nightmare – and it all came crashing down around him again. _

_This was easily the hardest chapter to write so far, because every instinct inside me was screaming for descriptive writing, and I couldn't do that. So instead, I decided to give you his nightmare as he experienced it in non-journal form – and then his reaction, in journal form_._ (Forgive him for the long run-on sentences – he wasn't in a condition to bother with such silly things as dots and commas.)_

_

* * *

_

"_Figgins waaaaaaants ya, Hudson,"_

_The sneer is drawn out, drilling into his brain, hurting his ears._

"_move it, stuuuuuuuupid!"_

_W__alking along the hallway that never never seems to end; Locker after locker, it goes on and on, an eternal line of shiny metal with tiny holes. (Airholes. why do lockers need airholes, there's nothing living in them) _

"_stuuuuuuuuuuuupid Hudson,"_

_The voice is Karofsky. The voice is Azemio. The voice swells. Is many voices. The football team. The cheerios. It's a cheer, a chant. _

"_stuuuuupid Hudson, stuuuupid Hudson, stuuuuupid Hudson,"_

_Anger is a white hot blade that twists out of him, bursting from his gut to his throat, but it's a silent croak when it leaves his throat._

"_stop calling me stupid!" but the voices have no face, they're far gone, no one's there, they can't hear him. And then the sprinklers turn on overhead, drowning everything in a fine spray of water._

_There's a corner ahead but there wasn't one before, and a shuffling noise, and a sniffling sound. Where are the tissues? Someone's got a cold? It's not him, he checks his nose. Nothing there._

_He rounds the corner and there's a little kid. So small it's like a little baby. A little baby dressed all in blue, and it's standing in a corner __crying (so many corners now, the hallway is made up of corners and they're dark and you can barely see anything through the drizzle but he doesn't like it at all, it doesn't taste of apples)_

_why's there a baby in school? Where's his mommy?_

_But it's crying and crying and crying a fountain of water like the baby on Rugrats but Tommy Pickles never went to his school. "Shhhhhhhh it's ok, why're you crying?"_

"_Daddy," it's sniffling in that corner, and the voice sounds so familiar, he knows it from somewhere but he can't remember, why can't he ever remember stuff? Like this history book! He pulls a book out of his pocket, it has HISTORY OF THE USA written on it, he had it in his pocket all along!_

"_Daddy?" the baby cries from the corner, and it's turning around. Turning so slowly. Turning so slowly. Slow-motion. And then he knows. He knows. _

_It hits him. Knowledge hits him. He's f__rozen up by it._

_His heart's beating in his throat, sledgehammer-like, this hollow noise, ba-dum! ba-dum! He feels a chill, it's cold in here, __why's it so cold (damn he should get out of these wet clothes, mom always says never to run around in wet clothes if you don't want to catch a cold). Ba-dum. Ba-dum. Still turning. Turning. His eyes feel like exploding out of his head because they can't see enough but they see too much, he doesn't want to see, he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to._

_Puck. Puck's face. Tommy Pickles has Puck's face. __And Puck's voice. Like a baby. _

_And baby Puck is crying "daddy!" and baby Puck is looking at him and crying "daddy!" like he is his daddy but he's not, he's not, he's not anyone's daddy. She said so, her voice is in his ears "Puck's the father!" her voice is ringing through his head, back and forth, one ear, then the other, there's an echo in this hallway and it doesn't stop, and he's yelling "I AM NOT YOUR DADDY!"__ but it's crying harder and holding up its tiny arms, tiny baby hands, tiny baby Puck hands, with its tiny baby Puck face "please daddy, please daddy," it's wailing, and his heart is going to explode now, it's stopped, it's racing, it's frozen, it's a drum solo, a rapid drum solo but so slow now; then he's running, running, running, the hallway is endless again, where have all the corners gone? But it's coming after him, crawling after him, catching up, always just behind him, his heart's racing in his throat, he's going to choke on it, "daddy-please-daddy-please-" always behind him, shuffling noise, always in his ears, he's shutting his eyes, it's dangerous to run blind through the darkness, "not your daddy, not your daddy, not your daddy," one for every breath he takes but it's behind him, he can't escape, it's still coming after him, the crying is lower, it's stabbing him, twisting in him, squeezing him, gutting him, and the hallway is a dead end with a poster on the wall. Sign up for New Directions, the poster says. Sniffling coming from behind him, he looks, Puck's baby head is turning around the corner, crawling, crying "daddy why do you not love me anymore? Why daddy, why?"_

_pleasemakeitstop pleasemakeitstop pleasemakeitstop pleasemakeitstop_

. . . . . .

I can't do this I just can't do this anymore it's like my brain won't stop and I swear to god I wish I could just die now cos this is like dying this feels like dying this is the cruellest joke why can't I just laugh it off and it all goes away? ?my heart's like beating so hard it feels like it's gonna burst out of me and I feel so damn awful, why can't it stop? Just stop? God I woke from that I was so scared it wasn't all a dream just a stupid nightmare just a really stupid fucked-up nightmare so why am I shaking like this? I want to I need to stop shaking god I'm gonna be sick

* * *

_A/N #2: I know it's disappointingly short. But there's no way in hell Finn would've written anything more that night. We'll find out about the consequences soon enough. (I won't let you wait half a year this time, either, I promise)__  
_


End file.
